Last week I had gotten into a fight with my sister because she had disrespected me, my mother, and my things. She now thinks it's okay to do that now. She is half my size, four years younger, and her bark is worse then her bite. Today, I had gotten into a fight with my mother. It was about money. Ever since my Mother has separated from my Father, and gotten together with her new boyfriend, everything has been about money. Money. Money. Money. I am stressed by her and she doesn't see it. I got a job at a young age to help her pay her bills for my siblings and still get no appreciation. Most kids my age are still in High School, but I got robbed one year of my childhood and had to start early. I get told I don't try enough, I should have gone to school sooner, to clean up after my siblings and honestly I thought that when I moved out, I would be appreciated more because I try so much harder, and I would be in school, and that I would only have to clean up after myself and mom. There is no structure here and it sucks because when I lived with my Father it would be a structured home, but after the divorce everything is all chaotic. My brothers (who are young) are always breaking things. My dad is even more strict with his money than he was before. My sister (who has not been told it is wrong) has put her hands on me twice and lied to my father. The first time was when I wanted her to apologize for throwing my things (we fought and she started it) and the second time she just whams on me with her fists and my mom doesn't even say a word to her. She lied to my dad and said I make her uncomfortable living here... I didn't do anything to her and it hurts to hear her say that. Lastly, my mom (just doesn't get how much she hurts me) She says I am 18 years old and have to do this and that with my money, but when it comes to what I do, say, and think I am no longer 18 years old. I give all of my paycheck to her to pay for things I don't use up all the time. I pay gas, a $300 bill for 6 to 7 (because my siblings come over every other day.) I pay for gas in the tank, I pay the water bill, I pay electricity from time to time... I pay a cell phone bill for a sister I am scared to go around anymore. And she still can't make ends meet and when she is stressed about money she talks about how I have a shitty part time job and I need a full time job since I decided not to go into school... but I didn't go to school because I wanted to help my mom money wise and I was two weeks late for school because my parents never gave me the information or support I needed to go and I didn't want to fail. (All 6 classes wanted two weeks worth of work in class by the next day, plus I didn't have my books ready because my dad was supposed to give me the money and waited to long)
Anyways, I was on the phone with my Grandfather a while ago and I told him I wanted to join the military. He grunted and said that doesn't sound like you... I then realized that, that was not me. I HATE THE MILITARY. I GREW UP IN A MILITARISTIC HOUSEHOLD AND HATED IT. When I look back at all the family pictures I am not happy... I am a black sheep. My chromosome donor is not in my life and I was raised by my step dad. A man who I called dad but he does not act like it. He gives me advice but was never the one to spend money on me. He prefers to spend money on his own blood. I see the Christmas pictures and my dad is smiling. my sister is smiling. I am not smiling. I don't feel like I have ever been treated as someone who was wanted. Except for when I am with my Grandfather. He is the person who knows me the least, but knows me the best, if that makes sense. I always need someone to count on and he is the one I can talk to. He knows when I need to be left alone, what I like to eat, my attitude. These may seem like little things to you, but to me they are the world. Being in the military wasn't, isn't, and doesn't sound like me. I like art... but being younger my parents would talk down on me saying I wouldn't make a lot of money. They never really supported me on anything. They never showed up to my soccer or track meets, never hung up an art piece on the fridge, they would do it for my siblings though. You know my Grandfather never did those things like go to a track meet, but I could tell him about it now and it would bring the biggest smile to his face. My parents will just look unentertained and nod. My Grandfather is the person who knows me the least, but knows me the best because he will support me in any decision I make and any story I tell him will bring a smile to his face and that's all someone really needs. A person to support you and a person to listen. It just sucks that it took me until now to realize that. BUT YOU SHOULD GO FIND THIS PERSON. IT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL ALOT BETTER.
